Wrestling with Perfectionism 

To sit in my essence, to wear it like my skin and have the comfort of a favorite blanket I must lighten my load. I’ve dropped people pleasing, named and work to contain my demons, and now I turn to overcoming perfectionism. The unrealistic expectation of immediately catching on, moving from novice to intermediate at the speed of light is madness. It’s not attainable. Unhealthy is putting it mildly.

Psychology Today says “Perfectionism is driven primarily by internal pressures, such as the desire to avoid failure or harsh judgment.” In greater detail, “Perfectionists set unrealistically high expectations for themselves and others. They are quick to find fault and overly critical of mistakes. They tend to procrastinate a project out of their fear of failure. They shrug off compliments and forget to celebrate their success. Instead, they look to specific people in their life for approval and validation.”

I threw my head back and laughed wryly at the accuracy. Growing up, expectations were high and excellence was the standard. I internalized that and it’s plagued me ever since. Any number of things are left behind when I don’t catch on the way I believe I should, I withhold information that I find shameful or embarrassing, and I rarely celebrate myself. My therapist asked if I recognize my accomplishments, I shrugged and said it’s just what I’m supposed to do.

Perfectionism isn’t my worst personality trait but its manifestation is detrimental to me. I am my own harshest critique. My inner saboteur is a strong bitch. Self-talk has been unnecessarily cruel over the smallest things. I’m not an idiot for forgetting to grab something when I go downstairs. How do I overcome when the only battle is with myself? I don’t know how long it will take but I intend on winning. Rewiring my brain is hard and tedious work but I know it must happen.

In pole, I can’t compare myself to anyone with a gymnastics or dance background. My body has been conditioned differently; I ran track. I need a different type of strength now. My muscles have to unlearn or be worked on to relieve long held tension and patterns. Then they need to relearn strength and mobility. Instead of trying to jump to new and impressive things, I need to focus on what I know and make it clean. There are endless variations, explore them. This should give my mind more ease.

Drawing and sketching were once a joy. I used to draw the dresses in my Anastasia (1997) book. They were made without critique, I just wanted to recreate the gowns and regalia I loved and color them in. Ideas are trapped in my head; I want them on paper. I need to work to get my fingers, hand, and arm used to the movement and coordination required. My brain needs to remember how a sketch comes to the page. 

Painting, for God’s sake just enjoy it! Let it be a true hobby, it doesn’t have to be good. Simply try, that blue canvas is waiting for clouds to descend upon it. Perhaps finally hop on Youtube and search for “how to paint clouds” and give it a try. Doesn’t matter what they end up looking like. I have to remember it’s okay if something isn’t good. Trying, exploring, playing are for the express purpose of joy and pleasure in learning and creating. I want to have fun; nothing is better than fun. A green treat and painting party over the weekend is a good start.

My current career is adjacent to my interests. Even there, a new project can be daunting as I think of every aspect. I mostly disconnect from my paying job. It’s a means to an end and doesn’t reflect on who I actually am. I still like to get things right and I mostly do. I’m not invested in it so it’s easy, I just do what needs to be done. It’s not nearly as personal as my passions.

I must invest more energy in: what if it works out? What if it happens as or better than I planned or imagined? An expensive thought when the other side is disappointment swallowing me whole. Procrastination is wrapped up in this too. They go hand in hand. Perfectionism overwhelms me and I procrastinate to delay or deny potential disappointment. Again, it could work out even better than I imagine. Shoot for the stars and land among the clouds. 

I want everything I do to be beautiful; it takes time to get there. Being a student, learning, missing, and trying again are okay. That is a normal cycle. Prodigies are rare and I don’t have to be one to be worthy. My favorite artists are excellent because of their constant, lifelong study. Embrace that spirit and flow with it. Perfection is so…mmm. Leave it on the roadside.