The mind, what a powerful and mysterious tool. We reason, create, dream, and question with it. Our personalities call it home. Tracee Ellis Ross described her mind as a wonderful and dangerous place on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast in 2023. Now Ms. Ross, why are you tugging at my scalp? I’m intelligent, efficient, creative with strong comprehension skills. As capable as my mind is, it is equally dangerous. It can take me down at any given time.
Strolling the cerebral streets, a building trembles with a subwoofer thump. Inside a never-ending building wide rave. Each apartment houses a fear or judgement. Generally contained, occasionally they spill into the street and take over the block. The frenzy is fueled by disappointment, dismay, or disdain. They’re especially raucous when I put myself up to be seen or judged in public.
Their latest shindig feeds on my next pole competition. It’s five weeks away and turning me every way but loose. I get the itch to compete, I want to create something and share it. I want to perform but my mind fills with dread. This should be one band, one sound. The desire ought to make the journey fun. Yet, the fear cycle ramps up every time.
The issue is mindset. The term annoys me after constant misuse on the internet. Everything is a “mindset” versus valid reactions to the social or political structure. Even in the proper context, as applied by my therapist, I wasn’t trying to hear it. Essentially, I’m terrible at letting things go. I struggle to recall accomplishments, big or small. This thought pattern doesn’t record moments of pride, only discontent.
This mental prison’s doors are wide open with no one around to mind them. Expectations trapped me here, but no one is making me stay, I could leave. But what happens when I do? What does it mean if I believe in myself? Convincing myself is difficult as I work on releasing the expectation of excellence in every experience. Well laid plans going awry is a learning not a failure.
Clearly this is a task that requires reinforcements. My mind is capable but stubborn. During my latest therapy session, I shared how poorly my previous two practices went. I tried the positive self-talk, the feel-good tools, and it didn’t matter. I ended up in a spiral of this-aint-ever-gonna-come-together-why-did-you-think-it-would-give-up-girl. Practice time is limited, I can’t afford bad sessions. I’d also been avoiding opening the ThredUp box with parts of my costume. What if they don’t work? Another potential worry I didn’t want to deal with.
My therapist seemed shocked as she told me that I was too in my head. Through my screwed-up face and non-committal muttering, she told me that positivity toward training doesn’t necessarily mean happy. I can acknowledge how I feel, that I’m upset by something and then try again. Reasonable in theory, harder I imagine in practice. I opened the box as well. The alternative was a prolonged expectant stare. The idea can be worse than the reality, she said. She was right, the concerns weren’t validated. Post-session I spent 30 minutes on Pinterest tending to my homework. Searching for affirmation inspiration that was authentic to me.
The next day I put what my therapist suggested and the things I’ve told myself before to work. Don’t carry previous practices with me, breathe, slow down. I listened to “She Let Go” by Safire Rose during warm up. I made the conscious effort to breathe in and exhale deeply, holding my breath is counterintuitive to this entire endeavor. No rushing to make sure I kept up with the music.
Everything felt better, I found myself in the spots I wanted to be. Trying to keep up with the music was detrimental in comparison to moving with intention and seeing where it took me. I see a theme emerging. Act with intention, don’t obsess over the result. “The journey is the destination” type stuff. Everything learned and gained in the midst of the work is the reward. It’s what matters. Tools to apply to the next experience, the next stretch.
The task is maintaining this feeling. Simone Boseman shared last year that we do better when we let ourselves be the person we are instead of worrying about becoming the person we want to be. If you don’t take the time to celebrate the moment and worry about what’s next you can’t appreciate when you finally get there. Can I appreciate the progress I’ve made over the last year, especially the last 8 months? Will I recall how a few tweaks, made practice infinitely more productive?
This feels like the last hurdle to the next chapter. A time is coming where nerves won’t overwhelm and stagnate me. Naming the tools of my inner saboteur weakens their power. They thrive in nebulous, dark spaces. Light shrinks them to a manageable size. I doubt these feelings will leave, instead I’ll learn to manage them. What I envision for myself is achievable. I possess everything I need, I’m already the person I want to be, move with intention and I’ll land where I should be.
