Demon Time

I believe that personal growth and being able to operate from the higher self requires looking at, inquiring about, and poking at the things about yourself that are less than stellar. You can call them what you like, personal demons, ego, struggles, etc. These are the things that make you cringe, things that if you take the time to dive deep and question, you’ll find a better way to handle everyday life.

For me, my first biggest flaw is how I handle frustration. I don’t suffer fools kindly. Add to that list insecure people, micro managers, folks who are consistently negative, those who don’t utilize their resources and anyone with nervous energy. My patience is selective, and I have not avoided showing it and making it plain. I could attempt to excuse myself by saying at least I’m not faking niceness, but excuses are tools of incompetence, and this isn’t suited for daily interactions.

Now, I am not saying that every time someone speaks to me it’s rumble. It’s not who I am 98% of the time but that 2% needs to be addressed. I don’t have a lot of patience when I’m annoyed, overwhelmed, tired, or anxious. Especially if I have a contentious history with a person. My responses can be acerbic. If I like you, I try to be quiet and say very little because I know I’m not in a great headspace. That is neither your fault nor your problem. On the other hand, if you’re on my list I essentially couldn’t care less.

A flat delivery of “no”, “maybe”, or “sure” can pack anyone up. “I don’t know”, “why”, “for what exactly” can be quite sharp. A shrug or no eye contact, I may as well have cursed someone out. I can push people away with my tone and body language. I do want to make clear that I’m never going to be out right nasty, talking down on anyone’s appearance, intelligence, or personhood. That’s dark sided and I find no joy in making people feel bad. I’m not joining in on tearing people down (the exception is for wicked behavior, then all bets are off). Patience running on fumes can expose a very blunt version of me to others.

My second biggest flaw is overthinking. Attempting to avoid appearing flippant or acting erratically, always leads to me try to think of everything. Every possibility, every contingency, every way to avoid negative perceptions. I can send myself spiraling 10 steps ahead into disaster based on ‘what ifs’. Anxiousness arrives when I’m overwhelmed, concerned with how things will work out or how I may end up being viewed or treated. I end up with a tension headache and can’t work through anything. I never want to be perceived as lazy or ungrateful, so I try to think ahead. The desire to be prepared or thoughtful spins out of control very fast. I have been misunderstood unintentionally and purposefully. The purposeful version has wreaked havoc on my thought processes. My usual hyper self-awareness has been in overdrive for several years. It’s only now beginning to mellow out to a normal level.

Sharp responses and overthinking are misuses of my power, I shouldn’t use it so recklessly. I can use my fire in other ways. I need to direct it into other endeavors, my goals and desires. When the situation warrants it then a colossal thunderclap or bright lightning strike is okay. I’ll have to recognize the difference between annoyance, fear, and an invitation to the circus. Some people want three rings, and I can give them Barnum & Bailey or UniverSoul, their choice.

It may sound strange, but I don’t want to get rid of my “demons”. I want to learn when to let them out and when I need to stand down. I acknowledge and embrace my fiery side, it’s in my blood from the women in my line. So how do I intend to confront the “demons”? For frustration, start with taking a breath. Don’t take everything personally or as a questioning of my ability. I don’t need to be defensive all the time. Level openness will serve me well and get me to where I want to be. For overthinking, I need to take opportunities step by step, day by day. Be ready with responses for negative thoughts, affirmations have been helpful. Journaling daily and going back to read them gives a lot of insight on work in progress and the advancements I’ve made.

I’m not ashamed of how things have gone in the past. Shame forces people to hide even when they shouldn’t. I’ll name things, ponder them, work to understand them, and then decide how to move forward. Everyone has their “thing” to overcome. It can be uncomfortable, but necessary, to investigate oneself. I started this post at least 4 times before I was able to find the least fearful and defensive way to express myself. Fear continues to lose its grip on me. This is unfamiliar but I want to know what’s on the other side.