In September, while I sat on Santa Monica Beach it was overcast, cool in the low 60s. The hills partially obscured by clouds, the pier visible but probably a good 20-minute walk away. I recognized the peace I felt and how the coming season would try to dismantle it. This year, I wanted it to be different and to fight my winter blues. I don’t have a diagnosis for Seasonal Affective Disorder, and I am not self-diagnosing, it simply feels like fighting the sads.
The bright lights, joy, and hope of the holiday season give way to feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, restlessness, anger, sadness, despair, and disillusionment. January through March is quite a ride. This season was especially vicious in 2021. The top of the year doesn’t fill me with inspiration. It’s freezing, dark most of the day, the trees are bare, the grass is brown. The increasing temperatures due to global warming are distressing and unnatural. Dreariness everywhere does not suit me. Heading to work when it’s dark and returning in new darkness, it’s like being forcibly kept from the sun.
How do I combat it this year? I knew the answer would come, when I ask I tend to receive. I need to always remember that. A schedule was my solution, fill it with painting, sketching, stretching, and poling at home. Revisiting these thoughts now I am glad action accompanies the desire. Another necessary but daunting step, visit places that aren’t limited to work (I rebuke 4 days in the office) or the studio. I love to eat and should resume my solo restaurant visits.
Bluntly, I don’t want to fight for my life this winter. I want to put the energy that I have into my art, it’ll keep me afloat. Something needs to occupy the space so that I’m not consumed by my own betrayers or the heinous state of the world. The “elections”, the multiple genocides, my tax dollars supporting the genocides, the empire crumbling, the rampant and repugnant bigotry on all fronts. Probably missed a horror or three. I want to enjoy myself and that seems wrong given the flaming clusterfuck we have on our hands. Tapping out isn’t an option, head in the sand a no go, so I’ll create instead. At the very least I can fine tune myself and have something to pull from to support other people.
I pray that I am kind to myself this winter and grant some grace. Fighting the sads ain’t easy but I must try.
How are you doing? Do you need help with anything? Let me know in the comments.
Fighting the Sads
