It’s Okay to Start Over

I start over all the time. Your first thought was probably the “start over” that blows an old life to smithereens. Packing up, moving, leaving, shaking everything out. I’m talking about small ways, daily routines and rituals. I’ll get to the big “start over”, the one people outside of me won’t understand. For now, I start over to build the stamina to blow my life up. However many times, it’s okay to start over.

I have several daily practices and commitments. Evening stretches, drinking 104 oz of water, balancing my meals, reading a book, reading past journal entries, meditation. All of these are for my benefit. I run and pole dance, my muscles need to relax daily. Not only am I active, I’m vain. Adequate hydration, fruits, colorful vegetables, and a little less of my beloved cheese keeps my muscles and skin happy. I’ll also regain the body composition I desire.

I love reading, adore a book. Education, inspiration, escapism all live in books. I journal at night and read up to three years back before starting the night’s entry. Months have themes over the years. I downloaded the Insight Timer app eight years ago and racked up several milestones. None of these commitments are consistent. I feel the inconsistency when I go for my runs every other morning.

It doesn’t take much to interrupt my routines. The activities don’t fully cease but it gets real lax around here. A trip out of town, house guests, tiredness, new responsibility are a few culprits. If I’m overwhelmed or distracted, I fall off. The long evening stretch reduces to crunches and a quad stretch. I need to be on the foam roller and work from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet.

I’ll look up at work and realize 3 hours have passed and I’ve barely cleared 8 oz from my water bottle. I love food, I live to eat. My friends tease me for my “healthy” kitchen. I’m just trying to fight temptation. Self-control be damned when anything delicious is in my sight. I’m going to have a little something sweet/crunchy/cheesy, it makes me happy. The lab results from this week’s physical say I must cut back.

My job is frying my brain and draining me mentally and emotionally. I don’t want to do much thinking when I get home. Reading requires my full attention. I can’t watch the movie in my head if my mind wanders or my eyes glaze over the words. I rarely miss journal entries unless I’m traveling or extremely tired. The nightly audit and new entry need more than 5 minutes before bedtime. I restarted my meditation practice after a hiatus of several years. Those milestones are from listening to tracks while I sleep. Guess how long I’ve kept up morning and evening meditation.

I feel silly or think I never should have stopped when the lack of self-care and introspection catch up with me. For a week or two, skipping, loafing, and convenience feel like rest but they’re avoidance. I know what I should be doing but I’m tired or I want more time to myself to do nothing. I’m depriving myself of living my ideal life right now. So, I start again. I change priorities or schedules and make it work. Make new or amended commitments. My needs change and I rework to see what fits and can be maintained. I do what feels right.

Full body evening stretches become alternating between upper body and lower body. Opportunity to focus and add more exercises. Keep the water bottle open and close by on my desk. Glance at the clock, check water line and settle up. Once I’m back on track, I won’t have to walk to the restroom six times a day. Cheese and crackers once a week or one cheese and spinach quesadilla instead of two (or three when I’m really hungry). 

I read Stephen King’s On Writing mostly during my lunch break. A poem or two at night from Nikki Giovanni’s A Good Cry. Move my journal stack from the nightstand to my bed. Haven’t bothered trying to remember where I left off, just started from the current day and I’m at least a week in. I don’t have to get up and sit in my meditation spot in the morning. I can connect just fine laying in bed, pointer finger and thumb connected.

I’ve started over multiple times. I will start over again. A lackadaisical hiatus can creep in, but I return to the promises I made. The intention to feel good, to care for myself, to explore my inner world, to expand my mind. It feels good to come home, to pick up where I left off.