While watching Martha (2024), the latest Martha Stewart documentary, I chuckled at a familiar type of woman people shake their fists at. There is a silly societal expectation for all women to be quiet, meek, nice. In some cases, subservient and docile. It is unnatural for many of us. We could see parts of ourselves in Martha Stewart. Straight forward, direct, uncompromising, curt, demanding, holding high expectations for herself and those around her, visionary. The world hates these women, they’re often labeled as “difficult”. I cheer them.
Tenacious and serious, equates a cutthroat bitch that no one can stand. That’s a lie, don’t apologize for your competence. To all the “abrasive”, “difficult”, “intimidating” women, I salute you. Accept nothing less than exactly what you want, they’ll say you’re ungrateful for not tolerating scraps. Require competence and efficiency, they’ll call you mean. Why can’t you be nicer? An insulting query. As if niceness ever yielded a woman the respect and safety she deserves. Reach heights seldom or never seen before, besting any man, and they’ll dedicate every resource to humbling you.
Keep your emotions in check or to yourself, you’re stoic or cold. You don’t self-deprecate when you make a mistake. Why won’t you play the fool for them? Making yourself small and manageable will not garner you the life you want. I love badly behaved women, I’m becoming one. Put myself first, stand firm in what I know, champion my ideas, uphold my morals and character, live as I know is best for me. This requires will forged in iron. It will make some people uncomfortable, that is their problem not mine, not ours.
There were women who claimed to hate Martha Stewart because she was “perfect”. In reality, she has high expectations for herself and worked to master her craft. She was doing the thing she enjoys most, living. Her food, décor, and gardens are spectacular because she enjoys working on them. Martha had the golden opportunity to work in her passion, wrote books, founded a multifaceted company, and published a magazine knowing she could give people something to dream about. It is okay to enjoy what someone else does and never take it on yourself.
Some women are naturally direct. Practical, frank, to the point. Born to lead, can take an idea form abstract to concrete. They will let others know when they’ve made the wrong choice. A choice that could make their task more difficult or possibly endanger themselves. The wrong choice can also affect other people down the line. Even if expressed in frustration, the point is valid. They know based on experience and learning. Take the advice and apply where appropriate.
These women are often painted as one dimensional. Like Martha, they are smart and therefore funny. Dull, intimidated people won’t acknowledge the humor, it goes against their narrative. Ignoring the wholeness of these women is limiting to the point of disrespect. They are intelligent, that’s why their standards are high. Thoughtful, how else do you become meticulous if the outcome means nothing to you. Visionary, they recognize what’s missing and ways to improve. Witty, a sense of humor is vital to survival. This vibrant mix is why you can’t ignore them, even when you claim to dislike them.
All the women I respect and enjoy are “difficult” in some way. Perhaps you’ve seen them described as “scary”. Society may try to demonize them, but they continue being themselves. Remain resolute, never settle. Keep making the choices that are right for you despite what anyone says. We don’t fit the mold, and we don’t need to. The mold needs to be broken; the kiln destroyed. No more churning out acceptable women. Be adamant and proud and unrelenting. A fully functioning and thoughtful adult. Competence is not a shortcoming.
To those afraid of these women, that is a personal problem. A one-sided feud. Learn the difference between nice and kind. Serious and scathing. We are not intimidating, you are intimidated. Examine that with yourself. We are not the problem; the pre-determined checkboxes are the problem. The acceptable limits are a trap to rail against. To my “difficult” women, continue to nurture your best self. She may be loud or demanding, that’s fine. It’s better than quiet acceptance and choking on lies.
‘Martha’: Cheers to “Difficult” Women
