Thoughts on the Red Eye is one!! Technically tomorrow, October 12th, but we celebrate today! Scattered ideas in the Notes app formed a functioning blog site. The site began as a path to personal freedom. A fearful dreamer who doesn’t act will not happen upon the life she wants. She must push her boundaries, engage the terrifying thing. “I decided to simply be terrifying to that which sought to terrify me” – @thelavenderiya. Vulnerability scares me, so I cracked myself open a bit. Thoughts on the Red Eye was born.
Who was I last year? A woman exasperated with her own fear. A stagnant life wouldn’t suddenly become a vibrant, expansive one. I was my own worst enemy, lacking authenticity. Clamming up and hiding didn’t allow anyone to see me. The life I want requires being seen. I wanted to share my thoughts, interests, and fears. Maybe pushing through the fear would call my power back. Perhaps it could reach someone in the same place, and they would feel less alone.
Perfectionism, people pleasing, and failing to take risks or push back all stem from fear. It’s aggravating to type out. This site is my push. Open myself up and let people in. What a terrifying prospect, introspection in the public sphere. It’s necessary to emulate those I admire: honesty, authenticity, and firm boundaries. Last August the blog idea took shape, covering the journey as I changed my life. Growth requires change, stop hiding. Start small, know that true failure would be to not try and continue in the same sad fashion.
The outset was frightening, now I feel compelled to continue. Writing is the stretch and creative outlet I need. An avenue to build confidence in my voice and ultimately myself. If I can publish my mind’s workings, then I can go out to events, I can get on stage, I can be comfortable existing, and I can be the person I envision living a full life. Everything I want is on the other side of comfortable, for example the “2024 PSO Triangle Pole Championships”.
Thoughts on the Red Eye allows for reflection, which my therapist regularly urges me to do. I’ve grown tremendously in the last few years – “Go See the Lady”, “Demon Time”, “Wrestling with Perfectionism”. There’s space to be radically honest about what I want for myself – “And So It Is”, “The Essence of Me”. Years from now I’ll look back at the path I laid for myself. The ultimate work is building a life that is right for me. I want everyone to have the space to do the same.
Writing is my best method of self-expression. I can give honor and reverence better than when speaking – “A Love Letter to My Girls”, “She Get It From Her Grandmama”. There is space for everything: music (“The Strength of ‘the mornings’”), experiences (“The PA Academy”), beliefs (“Free, Free Palestine”), film (“The Eternal Joy of ‘Black Panther’”), and encouragement (“Everyone Needs a Journal”). The end of each post is punctuated with a song, music is healing.
I enjoy the challenge writing presents. When I’m stuck and frustrated, I push past the surface level answer I give myself. Parse through to find the root of the block. Once I uncover feelings or admissions I avoided, the writing flows. A realized truth comes through. The truth is usually tied to fear and anxiety. They try to protect me from humiliation, which may be my greatest fear. I just noted that truth last week! See, the process reveals something new weekly as I switch from adversary to supporter.
Who am I a year later? A woman who is learning to be proud of herself. After 49 posts, including this one, I firmly stand as the most important person in my life. Defending her from fears and pushing forward. Joy is mine and I’ll protect it fiercely. My highest self sits in her chair and exhales “Finally”. We’ll live a good life. I am still scared, anxious, or unsure at times but I push through. I know the difference between chickening out and an unsettled spirit. Does the positive outcome excite me, and the only trepidation is potential disappointment? Then I must proceed.
What’s next? I recognize where some trauma originates and how it mixes with fear and anxiety. This is a revelation that I still need to address, thorny and multipronged. Other more complex ideas roll around in my mind. They require reading and understanding of systems. Poking around in my mind made hypothetical connections and I must delve deeper. On the lighter side I’ll keep experiencing, wondering, and writing! I may work through a cookbook. I have Latinísimo and would love a baking one as well.
I intend to keep pushing, stretching, and expanding. Release pent up energy, stroll through a thought experiment, rack up more in real life experiences. Balance the spectacular and the mundane. Details are my specialty. I’ve started the scary, unusual thing. It’s not too bad. I’ve built up more confidence. Now that my outer voice matches my inner feelings, I can take on more. Maybe a few more eyes. This is going somewhere; there’s always room to join if you wish. It’s been a good first year, don’t miss the next.
One Year of Thoughts on the Red Eye
