Open to Love

As a hopeless romantic, I enjoy Valentine’s Day. Watching people make kind gestures toward one another or large-scale spectacles. The creativity is a joy to witness. Dinners, outfits, gifts, experiences whatever it is I look forward to it. I want to participate but first I have another demon to exorcise. I won’t drag an ex, that’s irrelevant and pointless. Those gripes and confessions are for the group chat. Everything I want is on the other side of facing myself. This is about honesty so that I can be open to love again.

A story about being dumb in a relationship, “groundbreaking”. I’m a former Captain of the Dummy Brigade, and I’m appalled. Disappointment with myself haunts me. Actively ignoring blue flame tipped flags for years can only be attributed to low self-esteem or lack of self-worth. For someone who dreams very big and wants everything, I put myself in a place to accept next to nothing. My heart hurts for younger me, I wasn’t equipped to meet her needs. Losses from years prior chipped away at me and never fully healed.

Grace is what I need to give myself. “You didn’t know what you didn’t know” and “Jesus only hung on the cross once, why beat yourself up?” is what my therapist said. Thankfully being a ranking officer in the moron militia taught me a lot. I’m leaving here with something! Scraps of dignity and hard learned lessons.

• I should have listened the first time I heard that this man didn’t like me, would have saved years of strife. 
• Trying to prove you are worth loving is ridiculous and you’ll betray yourself.
• Seeking to be helpful in hopes of relieving someone else’s stressors will lead to stressing yourself out. People pleasing is useless.
• Exit when your life experiences are a joke.
• Resentment is imminent when you’re on a pedestal.
• Never prioritize someone who treats you like a convenience.

I’m a smart woman, reflecting on this period is extremely humbling. At least I used it all up in one go, a silver lining! One final regret is not being the one who ended it and holding on too long after. I hid everything because I was so ashamed. Shame can inhibit growth and healing. I could have freed myself 4 years ago by being honest. This shadow had to go, I’ve finally managed to stand up and fight back against my saboteur. I understand her fears but her control blocks the things we deserve. Rest dear, it’s going to be okay. Can’t nobody beat our asses for this.

Constantly, I work to acknowledge and heal my hurt. I won’t make the same mistakes again. I am not eager to please. It’s better to be a challenge. Prove to me that you are trustworthy, caring, generous and considerate. I won’t allow myself to accept the minimum or love someone for their potential. Arrive healed and wanting to learn and continue to better yourself, that’s the place I am at. Even as a hopeless romantic, desiring love and open to love, I am not easily impressed. My standards are high in every part of my life, this will be no different.