I try to be positive; I tend to expect the worst. It’s a coping mechanism, anticipate the bad and I’ll be less disappointed. I try to challenge that with the idea of things working out and not giving in to despair. Honestly though, right now I’m a little stressed. I would like to be positive, shiny, and new on day two or three of the year but I’m not there. No need to worry, it’ll pass, I’ll pull through. I’m going to do two things: explain why I’m stressed and share what’s made me happy and what I’m looking forward to. Just stick with me to the end.
Where’s The Relief?
I thought I would feel better after sharing my experience with emotional abuse. Relief would wash over me after I shared with the world. As of two days later, there was no relief. The dull headache from July returned. Unexpectedly, I heard from people close to him with nothing but support for me. I appreciate it, truly. At the same time, I felt strange. I slowly realized or finally admitted that I’m scared. I’m scared of him knowing and retaliating. I’m afraid of him.
I hate that I’m afraid of him. He shouldn’t have any more power in my life. He should not affect me. Maybe one day he won’t but I just started delving into this. Essentially it’s brand new. The healing just started, the healing from knowing. I’m still convincing myself that I was right, that I was abused. Admitting that I’m scared overwhelmed me. If I’m afraid after four, almost five years, then I was right. I shouldn’t need more evidence for myself. I wrote it all down while it was happening! Then, I didn’t know what it was, but I do now, so why did I still doubt myself?
Maybe I had to work on everything else before I got to this. I had to build myself up enough to go back and dig through my mind. I needed a sense of self, determination, and arrogance before I could go back there. Before I could look at me then and not hate her. To not still be so afraid or ashamed that I pack it away again and ignore it. Now I have to fully work through it.
Back On the Clock
I am grateful to be employed full time. I appreciate paying my mortgage on time every month. With that I am not looking forward to going back to work on Monday. I didn’t even want to type out Monday, she doesn’t need to come any faster. December was the first time I felt true stress at work, it’s awful. I have new responsibilities I don’t want but they appear to be necessary. At least necessary by corporate standards. I’m trying to look at them as opportunities to stretch beyond my comfort zone. Sounds good but I prefer to stretch myself creatively.
Also, I am returning to the second half of the stress. The reprieve isn’t coming any time soon and I worry about balance. Work is a necessary evil; I never want it to take over my life. I don’t want to be so mentally exhausted I have nothing left for writing and pole. Work, rest, create. They require balance but one has the potential to bleed energy from the others. I will do my best to not let that happen. Might require delegating, which sounds very corporate, and I don’t like that either. Okay, enough complaints on to the good stuff!
New Year’s Eve
I’m usually at home on New Year’s Eve. I’m not a partyer (June will be an exception) and I like watching Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen get drunk on CNN. This year I took a chance and bought a ticket to a New Year’s Eve dinner at my favorite restaurant, ‘cille & ‘scoe. I was happy to be out, doing something different. Dolled up a bit and gave myself another chance to live how I want. Chef Sean’s menu represented good luck and prosperity for the new year.
Course One – Money: Southern Egg Rolls. I took the whole plate down, even the garnish. I almost forgot my wine pairing, it was so good.
Course Two – Love: Oysters. Delightfully fresh, I don’t know how one makes balsamic spheres, but they were lovely. I receive it, I receive the love!
Course Three – Luck: Lentil Stew. Lentils never moved me until Tuesday night. The bar is now quite high for any future lentil meetings.
Course Four – Progress: Pork Dumplings. I don’t know if it’s legal for a dish to taste that good. Pretty sure hoisin sauce coated the plate, it was scrumptious down to the purple cabbage.
Course Five – Longevity: Short Rib Pappardelle. Jesus, it smelled so good. Two of my favorite things and I savored it slowly. 10/10, no notes.
Course Six – Fertility: Rice Pudding Arancini. I only need creative fertility so that’s how I received it. Arancini as the vehicle for rice pudding is genius. Perfectly crispy shell, soft and light center.
Guess what? I made a friend at dinner. Thankfully she is fascinated by people and willing to meet anyone. If not for her joining me, I would have continued editing my pole recap in my little cone of silence. Being present and open leads to very pleasant interactions. It might have been the wine pairing and my cocktail, but I felt like I can’t be anything but myself. The goofiest, maximalist, sincerest, happiest me. Dinner at my spot was a smart and perfect way to end the year and start a new one.
Ice Time
My Sister Sagittarius started ice skating lessons and I’m dusting my skates off in solidarity. I keep missing the sign up for local, adult lessons and they aren’t offered in the winter session. Private lessons are an option, and I might try that instead of waiting for spring. We plan to trade of public skates in our respective areas. This is going to be fun and at times deeply unserious. I’m very excited. Maybe I’ll learn to jump this time around.
Wild Woman
The introduction of ‘Women Who Run With The Wolves’ by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés drove me to touch trees and tell them good morning. Other women have been similarly affected by her work based on the response to my lil’ tree loving TikTok. I worry that I won’t keep up with reading since I spend most lunch breaks writing. That should be an evening and weekend activity, but you have to get in where you fit in. To alleviate the pressure, I’m going to write blog posts while I read. The book is healing and I’m only on page 38 of 517.
I want to read WWRWTW slowly and let the myths and stories seep into my brain. The small portion I read on the plane ride home for Christmas shifted my brain chemistry. It made writing the emotional abuse post easier and gave me an answer for why. This book is going to be very important for me, especially this year. A year where I can tell I will be in a new construction phase. I need tools, reassurance, and guidance for my intuition. Dr. Estés work is one of the essential tools.
So, there it is, what pains and what soothes me. I feel better after getting it out. Happy New Year friends!
