Spring is nearly here. New life and new beginnings. A goal for this year is to show up in new ways. Ways that are aligned with the life I want to live. Skills in need of honing have been named, being is a simultaneous requirement. What is my essence? The epitome, my core. Like sprouts pushing against the soil, I should probably let the person gasping for air out. I’ll let my most audacious self speak.
Let It Go
If you’ve been here before you’re aware that fear and I have an intimate relationship. I have exhausted my patience with my own fears of perception. The more I write and share the less power it has over me. I’m tired of thinking about it and using it as a crutch. It’s gradually losing its grip and I’m glad to see it weaken. I can better embrace feeling the fear and carrying on anyway. I act despite fear of looking dumb or being taunted. Living as I please, observe all you want.
I will leave procrastination, judgement, fear, and cruelty behind. I am learning how to treat myself better. Cease doubting my intuition in things big and small. My supreme self takes control in all situations that make me uncomfortable. My heightened, always on guard nervous system and distress responses can rest. We’re safe now.
Uncomfortable Truths
It’s hard but necessary to admit that I’ve always wanted to be special. To be recognized and acknowledged for my ability to excel at something I enjoy. The hushed “Yes, that’s her.” Quietly respected and highly regarded. I admire people who are good at what they do, excellent work requires dedication and effort.
My expectations of myself are too high. Every endeavor must have immediate success. If I’m smart and capable, shouldn’t I catch on quickly? An extremely unhealthy way to approach any undertaking. I’m upset that I didn’t seekthese realizations sooner and wasn’t looking for them. I either didn’t know, like, or trust myself enough. I had to feel trapped in my own head to get here. To survive I had to start digging and questioning. Survival still feels precarious.
I’m a recovering people pleaser still trying to shake off perfectionism. I can firmly stand on not doing things that I don’t want to do. The perfectionist though, still has a tight grip on me. I’m heartbroken in a lot of ways. I have unanswered questions about family and belonging. Quite honestly, I’m fractured and haven’t fully put myself back together. I can see and feel the whole person and I will be her starting now.
Desires of the Heart
Joy is vital to me and the driving force in my life. A life full of passion and pleasure is the only way I want to live. It may not be every day but it’s the truest goal I have. What I want for myself is what I want for other people. Whatever equates to your joy and satisfaction you should have that. Safety, health, security, and time spent in passion, hobby, or research. I will lean into discipline, spiritual obedience, and consistency. Expressing myself creatively in my chosen mediums. I welcome comfort in my body and appreciation for all it does.
Add Water and Mix
Ifayomi of Ancestral Herbiary shared ’31 Days of Confirmation’ in October 2022. This helped me see myself and build a new foundation. I learned that accepting the truth of joy as my guiding principle will lead to living authentically. I love to create and will do it in any way possible. I’m called to work in my varied interests. The only thing that matters is being true to myself. Moving through life unburdened by judgement and assumptions is unfamiliar. I’ll embrace it until it’s second nature, synonymous with my being.
My Essence
At the center of me, my supreme self is a maximalist, an artist, a lover of beauty and glamour. Travel, food, clothing, music, fine and performing art. I commune with my ancestors, blood and chosen. A dreamer, driven by expression and exploration, they’re essential to my life and being. Kindness is a guiding principle. Performing niceness led to people pleasing and betraying myself. Kindness is something I can give others and me. I’ve learned to set boundaries, I bit my tongue for too long, no more. I reserve my softness for those I trust. I’m guarded, access to me is earned. Someone I respect once called me magnetic. It was a lot to take in and felt too big for me. It still feels overwhelming, but the idea hasn’t left me. I want to understand this better and how to wield it.
Therapy, introspection, and inspiration brought me to this place. Here I can claim my essence. Over the years, I haven’t pretended to be someone I’m not, but I’ve hidden a lot of myself. Fear kept me frozen and as I thaw more of me is visible. I am my essence, even if every aspect doesn’t show yet. I have and will continue to learn to be and express myself fully.
