What Are You Hiding From

“So we’re gonna heal, we’re gonna start again. You’ve brought the orchestra, synchronized swimmers, you are the magician. Pull me back together again the way you cut me in half. Make the woman in doubt disappear.” Warsan Shire writes and Beyoncé recites words to a lover who has betrayed them. In the last year it has connected as what I need to tell myself, I’ve been my own worst enemy.

I’m trying to free myself from a prison of my own creation. Personal anecdotes led me to believe that the safest way to exist is to keep everything to myself. Hopes, dreams, fears, expectations, musings, questions. I’ve chosen the background for decades, moving quietly along the edges. Existing this way is familiar but recently it’s begun to feel restrictive. These tendencies and patterns are incompatible with the life I want for myself. What I envision and where I want to go requires me to be seen. It demands for me to open up and share what I love, what inspires and motivates me.

I must release the fear of being visible and the potential for people to be cruel. If misery and judgement are your portion, that’s none of my business. I can’t afford to be concerned with it and let it take up space in my mind any longer. I’m working on getting back to an unfazed place, I haven’t seen that version of me since I was a child. I feel like everything is calling me to be better or bigger and frankly that is terrifying. How the hell am I supposed to do that?

This is a space to work my shit out. Time to release overthinking and flow with what feels good to me. My joy and happiness are paramount. Overwhelming myself with “what ifs” always leads to not taking any action. It’s time to move, to do things scared, shaking, and throwing up. People do it all the time in different ways, this is mine. I don’t fancy myself to be radical in thought but it feels raw and new when you decide that full authenticity is the only way forward.

What comes of this may be endearing or amusing. Maybe someone will identify with this feeling, and it’ll lighten their load. They may laugh and feel less alone. While I’m working on freeing myself, one of you may find some happiness or joy in the experimentation, the trial and error. This is part catharsis and part the joys of living. 

Moving based on fear is exhausting and limiting, it’s time for something new.  I want to share my random thoughts, what I’m learning, what I like, what I’m trying, and what I fear. I would like to already be as confident as I need to be, but maybe that’s not my story or my journey. Maybe what I need is coming at just the right time. Come along if you like. I may be insightful, I may be deeply unserious. Let’s see where we end up. It’s time to go from adversary to supporter.