Women Who Run With the Wolves: Love in the Spirit

As a romantic and believer in the multifaceted power of love, I have arrived at what I’m sure will remain one of my favorite parts of this book. Perfectly timed for Valentine’s Day. Chapters 4 and 5 are not instructions on how to get or keep a partner. They’re not about contortions to make someone choose you. There is quite enough of that floating about polluting the minds of women and femmes. Dr. Estés lays out the makings of a worthy masculine partner. Internal work is required for him to heal himself and be an attractive option for an intuitive woman, Wild Woman.

Chapter 4 – Mate: Union With the Other

The first story is African-American based tale of Manawee (p. 122). Manawee wishes to marry a man’s twin daughters but first he must guess their names. Only then will he be deemed worthy to know and marry the pair. The twin sisters represent the duality of women, the external and the interior instinct. When women acknowledge and care for both sides of themselves, we wield tremendous power (p. 127). There are potential partners who hate the wholeness and self-acceptance our duality brings. This is a partner who would hate you and actively try to diminish you because of their low self-esteem.

There is another partner, one who reveres the duality in women (p. 128). Self-assured, definitive and quick decision making, capable of grounding and recentering herself, he loves everything about an intuitive woman. He is in partnership with his instinctive nature. What represents a man’s duality? The dog. Despite the popular colloquial usage, the “Dog” represents loving from the heart, effortless forgiveness, stamina, and the willingness to fight if needed (p. 130). He is tenacious and determined to prove himself to show that his interest is sincere. Reminds me of the “golden retriever boyfriends”.

There is no interest in controlling women or using their power for his personal gain. He is simply interested in her and wants to understand, continuously learn, and love all aspects of her (p. 136). I imagine this person as confident in who he is. Nothing outside of him can diminish his sense of self. Intelligence, kindness, curiosity, openness, and generosity are innate to his nature and personality. Human, of course, and susceptible to faltering, but his instinctive nature, his consciousness, will drag him back to his right mind.

It takes intentional, focused work to be this kind of mate and lover. Fears must be faced, wounds tended to, care and consideration extended, trust leaned into. Both sides of a woman’s dual nature, the twin sisters, must be loved and understood equally. One is known as Life and the other is Death.

Chapter 5 – Hunting: When the Heart is a Lonely Hunter

Remember that Life/Death/Life is a natural cycle. A lasting love must embrace the cycle, fear and avoidance will not allow for a connection to flourish. Here we meet Skeleton Woman in an Inuit tale (p. 139). She is accidentally pulled from the ocean depths by a fisherman. He flees in terror upon seeing her, but she’s stuck in his fishing line. Back home, in the light, he untangles her with care. His tears and heart regenerate her full form and they spend the rest of their days together.

Skeleton Woman is Lady Death, a symbol of the Life/Death/Life cycle. Men must face her to truly love. She teaches how to live together through increases and decreases, endings and beginnings (p. 143). Those brave enough to face her, will understand the natural rhythms of life. They’ll face their inner truths and those of others with care and compassion. Love requires courage, delving into darkness and shame, and seeking to understand the same in other people. Courage to face death and endings, learning that life and newness come through them.

“Death” is a terrifying concept. It’s associated with pain and loss, separation and loneliness. Death is not only soul separating from body and physical mortality. It also represents the end of cycles. Unfortunately, we are taught to fear endings. They are widely viewed as disappointments or failures rather than a progression or beginning of a new phase. Also, romantic commitment is viewed as the “end”. As if it’s the mountaintop or individuality’s grave. Both sound miserable to me. Our views of what is possible in love and partnership must change, they’re not the last stop in our journeys.

Relationships, hopefully, start with sunshine and rainbows. The eye-fluttering “honeymoon” stage. In time the true challenge arrives, the reality of learning who a person is or showing them who you are. A relationship forced to remain simple and light won’t last (p. 149). It’s natural and necessary for the first stage to end, we must delve deeper for a connection beyond physical attraction. We don’t know what’s coming next and that is unsettling.

There will be change, discovery, newness. It is feared, due to our distrust of the unknown (p. 152). What if we don’t like what lies beneath in each other? Why risk dissatisfaction when we can keep having fun? We can learn to be open and face our fears or we can hide. Some people end relationships or disappear once emotional effort and work are required. They claim to want “forever” but repeatedly run away. If they aren’t ready that’s fine but those who are ready, shouldn’t wait around for them to figure it out (p. 154). Instead, those of us who are ready should find another brave soul facing their fears.

These fears are of the “not-beautiful” in others and ourselves (p. 155). I will state the obvious, this does not include cruelty, lies, or abuse. Do not tolerate mistreatment, leave at the first sign. The “not-beautiful” includes “Our own secret hunger to be loved…disuse and misuse of love…dereliction in loyalty and devotion…sense of soul-separateness…our psychological inadequacies…and infantile fantasies” (p. 156). These aren’t all shameful, but we have to let the actions or beliefs around them die out so that we can live and love fully. 

Wanting to be loved is okay, betraying ourselves and accepting any old thing and calling it “love” is not. We must stand firm in what we deserve which is kindness and care. We cannot help disconnection from ourselves nor mental health struggles. Shame is not necessary here, these are places to reach out for support gain or maintain a healthy life. Using love to manipulate or for personal gain, removing support and enthusiasm without explanation are gross misuses of affection. At best they waste time, at worst they lead to abuse. Accept that life is not paint-by-numbers and the rosy picture given to us as children is actually a complex and layered puzzle.

We avoid complex inner work but it’s necessary to see and understand ourselves. The work is hard but teaches the strength of spirit. We learn to give ourselves compassion and care. Ego fears never recovering from diving into our darkness, forever losing happiness (p. 157). It’s an immature fear, introspection teaches us to identify new paths, endure hard times, and to love deep over time (p.158). It is difficult and can take years but starting and doing our best to maintain progress gives us the opportunity to live in fullness and learn love’s true face and power.

The tender work of internal learning leads to a state of innocence. It’s an attitude where no harm is done to self or others and allows for restoration of self and others (p. 161). At this point a man loves beyond his not-beautiful aspects and knows that he can heal himself. He understands that endings lead to new beginnings. This man is his own peace. What a world we could have if all men faced their wounds.

“Doing the work” is recognizing the source of the wound. They range in nexus from loss, neglect, disappointment, mistreatment, or effort that didn’t bear fruit. A man sees his life half lived as a form of protection. If you aren’t vulnerable or don’t question yourself, is it safe or stagnant? The deeper he digs, the wider his view becomes and eventually his heart breaks open. No one can love with a closed heart. Every type of love requires opening up to other people, the essence of them, and their experiences. Empathy is a critical component of the act of love (p. 170).

Open hearts inspire those around them, face fears that closed them off, and are not shaken by the cycles of life. They can love because they know there will be endings and beginnings, over and over in a relationship (p. 172). Passion, pain, happiness, and discomfort come in waves, they are part of living, with or without partnership. Love requires working with fears, letting go of protectionism, and giving from an open heart. This leads to transformative love (p. 176). Partners learn from each other, support one another, and move through endings and beginnings together. Plant seeds, water them, remove dead stems, cut them back in winter, blooms return in spring.

A man, a partner worthy of a woman who is in tune with her intuition, is one filled with tenacity and courage. He respects her as a whole, autonomous, intelligent being. Continuously learning her is a treat for him. This partner has looked inward to face his fears and wounds. He knows death as a symbol and friend who brings new opportunities, the same knowing women have. His open heart makes room for loved ones to shine and evolve in safety. This is the only kind of partner I will accept. Love, understand, and respect me or leave me alone.