The path to love is not arduous or hidden, but we must choose to take the first step. – bell hooks “all about love” p. 165
Four years ago, I listened to Lalah Delia’s guided meditation “Inner Gardening Care” regularly. At times it was difficult to hold the visual, an expanded version of my backyard, but eventually it stabilized and grew. I planted principles and dreams. This was my healing’s beginning. sahn’s new album the garden (2026) flows through the beginning feeling where we decide on the when, how, and why of healing.
Healing work is hard not solely because we revisit what we’ve lived through but because we must revisit ourselves, who were, how we felt, what we allowed. Early on all I had were shame and embarrassment. The same feelings kept me from opening up to loved ones in the years prior. Earlier this week I recognized a pattern in journal entries from 2014-15. The shame was gone; I laughed. The situations weren’t funny, I’d felt small and insecure in the moment.
I laughed because I still gaslight myself about that experience, which I recognize as my rock bottom. I still need confirmation that I didn’t exaggerate or make it up. There it was in my own handwriting, the beginning I hadn’t seen 12 years ago. Healing for me means facing my past, changing how I speak to and about myself and the situations I face, and speaking and writing my life into existence. This work is why I can finally see where everything started and extend compassion to my 23- and 24-year-old self.
I kiddingly say that sahn is always in my business. She so accurately reflects stages of life, how they work, feel, sound, and what they look like. Cultivates what they taste like, she has a serious real-life garden and has graciously shared it on occasion. That space is as rich, vibrant, and packed as her new music on the garden. Here’s how it’s fed me…
“tick tick boom” goes the timer, like Acme dynamite. I don’t recall seeking healing consciously five years ago. I simply didn’t want to be so sad and feel worthless all the time. Progress was slow and I went in circles, worrying about hows, whens, and opinions outside of me. Three years ago, the decision to change became intentional. My skin felt restrictive, I needed more air. I couldn’t live in hiding anymore.
The “safehouse” in my mind went from secure to a trap. Familiar and unforgiving. The space had to change. I needed to cultivate emotional safety with myself to be safe in any place I enter. The house will have to keep expanding, adding square footage to accommodate me as I grow. The more people who access me, the more I’ll need to ground and remember what I’ve overcome. My toolbox as my therapist says.
I have sahn’s “change your mind, change your life” hoodie. Contributing factor to me swapping ‘life’ for ‘mind’ in the track title. But that’s what needed to happen first, the hardest part, changing my mind. How I see and speak to myself, what I believe about myself, and how I respond to myself. I found a way to make affirmations work for me so I wouldn’t roll my eyes as I recited them. A simple and foundational way to grow is minding what you tell yourself.
In Lalah’s meditation you’re instructed to clear the garden. Dig up and burn the harmful brush and roots to “change your life”. Do this carefully, “take care (roots)”, some of your roots need to be disentangled from the roots of weeds choking the life out of them. “Pruning is an act of redirection” that removes parts that no longer contribute and allows energy to move to areas that are sprouting and growing. We need the same care, shed what feels stagnant and draining to send energy to the self being actualized. We are our garden, as Lalah says.
As I grow, I need to guard visions and plans because my life depends on them. ‘say less’ is a rule for creative work and instruction for cultivating sense of self. Boundaries are sexy. I need to sit with the idea of myself and the life I’m building and get to know it. There’s no need to share my plans shakily and cower in the face of a reception of confusion. I don’t need doubting energy in my space. I’ll keep the seeds of dreams and ideas hidden to germinate. I don’t need to explain myself.
There’s security and confidence built when you believe in yourself and your abilities. I’m doing glamour work with “vallejo”. I need to enchant myself to remain grounded in any situation. Appreciate yourself right now as you are, nothing needs fixing. Talk your shit to yourself and anybody who needs a reminder.
As good as I may feel, there are still days where the “same old me” shows up. Healing is not linear, it’s iterative. I am learning to address when trauma or my saboteur pops up. We’re human, not perfect, we keep striving and reset. Remember where you’re going and pick yourself back up. All the parts of you are needed to arrive back home to yourself.
Introspection is difficult. Healing is daunting, arduous, and messy. Once we’ve gathered the information, the next steps are simple. “lock in”, it’s practical magic. I know where I’ve been, who I was, what doesn’t work for me, who I want to be, and where I want to go in my life. So, I focus. Visualize, affirm and declare, and do the work to be prepared to receive. When it arrives, I flow with it because I’ve become who I need to be to hold it. sahn knows how to close an album, my God.
In sahn’s words the transition from the mornings (2023) to the garden is the same as winter to spring, dormancy to growth. If this is part 1 then I will hazard a guess for part 2. Perhaps maintenance or how we live from our newfound inner status. What does growing when healthy look, feel, sound, and taste like? Wherever she goes I know the accuracy will make me feel seen and understood yet again.
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